Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he can eat two meals in a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them