Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
There ought to be one day — just one — where there is open season on senators.
Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.
The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!
Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.
You can’t say civilization isn’t advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Heroing is one of the shortest lived professions there is.
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.
There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.
An economist’s guess is liable to be as good as anybody else’s.
It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.
Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven’t had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing — and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
I bet you if I had met him Trotsky and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn’t like.